Articles

A Pensive Mood

I sit down to write on the theme of the moment whenever I'm in a pensive mood. Though, this happens only occasionally and not at the best of times. Giving into this emotion has all the makings of a grand finale for then I can put my thoughts on paper. Not only that it provides a brief escape into the world of words!!

 Being pensive means I can express myself and not be censored in the process. It behoves  me to find an angle and give free reins to whatever is plaguing me which is usually an impression. This is gathered in the midst of living and is food for thought. Capturing  the image takes little doing and I try not to miss out on the important details. The mood of the moment hits me and there is nothing to do but give in graciously. It is as if something inside was insisting on the being heard. This can take several days and there is no sure fire antidote except to respond and usually takes the form of a literary  effort. It is as if I was pampering and luxuriating in the here and now it is also possible to exercise the mental faculties for the ideas flow freely. When I am finished with a piece of work the pensiveness disappears leaving me bemused. There is no other experience like this and so I have to be prepared next time it possesses me. Then I am not stuck for words and I can select those which are expressive. And in a manner of speaking the piece writes by itself. I write down until I am satisfied as to its length  and context and the contextual meaning. And then I leave it aside before digging up again.

     Writing is not another chore for me but one full of pleasure even though it exacts its toll in the way of aching fingers and a tired and benumbed mind. But there is no holding back from starting all over again whenever there is a new topic. Till then I am all agog in anticipation for I can measure myself anew (start writing differently).

Out of Extreme Boredom

It's all so disparagingly blank  and I don't know what to do about it. I keep wanting something more that will likely never come, but then even that probably won't satisfy me. There are times where I feel alright, but other times I feel I am going to just go absolutely insane. I have always had issues with so many things and wonder if I have a high functioning form of disorder.

Slowly over the years I have become much grumpier (that's what people say to me now a days), a far cry from the more optimistic caring person I once was. Everything now feels so empty. I have heard the platitudes, the idea of how one must make every moment count and live their lives to the fullest, but it all means so little to me. When I look around, I see a meaningless world of style over substance. this goes far beyond just society, the entire universe and for that matter all of existence just seems to be a bunch of stuff going about, looking pretty for no reason.

Pleasure and pain are just the mechanics of the body and any meaning I might try to create for myself is artificial. Attempts to just enjoy my life and  end up feeling so empty. The thought of seeking help through professionals or even drugs feels so mechanical. To be able to switch myself into a better mood with some pills feels so arbitrary and it shatters my confidences to think the brain is just some machine that can be tinkered with like that . Any bits of happiness or progress I amount for myself feel empty and ultimately unrewarding beyond a few moments of smiling, before they quickly fade and leave me wanting more!!!

No more Worrying

I am grateful to this person who has posted this article. Hadn't he/she  been an anonymous,I would have thanked him/her personally for posting this article which have lifted and boosted  me up in every crisis situation. This article in particular has taught me not to worry about yesterday. Yesterday is a past and the past will never change. In the mean time it has taught me not to worry about tomorrow  because tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make most of it. :) true,, isn't it? "But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today" such an invincible statement,, don't know how much I admire this writer for teaching me how valuable is our present. So from today I will look in the mirror and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration. This capable person looking back at me is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like to get to know better. I will cherish each moment of my life. I value this gift bestowed upon me and I will selflessly share this gift with others. I will take a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel the mysteries I encounter. I will face challenges with courage and supreme perseverance. I will overcome all the barriers which hinder my quest for growth and self improvement. I will walk with renewed faith, discouragement won't be allowed to taint my positive self- image, my desire to succeed. I will welcome new experiences from myself nor anyone else, "perfection doesn't exist in the world of imperfection". But I will applaud the attempts to overcome human foibles. I will be responsible for my own happiness and I will do things that make me happy... admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a puppy or a dog, water plants... in which I find pleasure. And I mostly find pleasure in simple gestures.  I will try something new, and different. I will savour all the various flavours life has to offer. I will change what life can and the rest I will let go......

     

SELF REALIZATION I

I was moved, what I had before my eyes stole into my heart and thrilled me. I felt like I was in the middle of these strange thoughts, they all were driving me so crazy. I couldn't concentrate, my mind dwelled over those solitary wanderings, was chasing the impossible and leaving me all alone in sere pain, the absolute silence and the pitch darkness where I couldn't grope, I felt handicapped and miserable. And all I did was trying to fall in love with my miserable situation. But then I tried it real hard and all the chaoses, the barriers and fences got broken and my thoughts sprouted their wings and took me to this far land where I first heard of the tremendous, cosmic might of loving kindness. But more than the setting, what arrested me was my intuitive understanding that he was there-open, patient- in case the someone, anyone, should want to talk to him, a problem of the soul, a heaviness of the heart, a darkness of the conscience, he would listen with love, and he would offer comfort and guidance to the best his ability. And  even helped me 

                        see these mountains, they are brought low

                        drink these waters, they are bitter

                         tread these black rocks, they are barren

                         find these islands, they are lost, 

                       upon seal and seabird dreaming their innocent world

                        freeing up from those evil thoughts which where strangling me to death

                       realize how very beautiful the life is.....

Self Realization II

Today I came to realize that spending major time with minor people is pointless.If there are people in my life who continually disappoint me, break promises, stomp on  my dreams, are too judgmental, have different values and don't have their support during difficult times.. that is not friendship . "To have a friend, be a friend first". sometimes in life as we grow our friends will either grow or go. I surround myself with people who reflect goals, values, interests and lifestyles. When I think of any of my successes i am thankful to God from whom all divine blessings flow, and to my family and friends who enrich my life. 

   Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better. At first, I think I am gonna be alone, but after a while, new people show up in my life that make it so much sweeter and easier to endure. I remember what my elders used to say, " Birds of a feather flock together, soar". If you are an eagle, don't hang around chickens, chickens can't fly.

Year  2069-2070

Nervous, excited can't describe the feeling right now!! It's crazy and so scary that time has gone so fast. Like a blink of an eye, a year has gone by and I didn't have a track of it!!!. Cannot deny that clumsier I have become with my age. Less careful  I have become in managing my time and taking record of what I am doing. Preposterous it is, how can I be so reckless? My God!!! I have to compensate it and here I record  a synopsis of my last year, at least to console myself that a precious part of me hasn't gotten lost in the world of enigma.. :) :).

Hmmm, I must admit the fact that year 2069 wasn't bad at all for me, in fact it's the year that definitely has  risen up my graph of achievements, experiences and career. It was quite an achievement for me to take some bold steps that have taken me to the places of my dreams. I am proud of myself for embracing all those dire challenges that have come across with all my heart  and solving them so sternly and carefully without a trace of tiredness and a line of fear in my face. There were many odds and obstacles in the way but very robustly and with a big smile on my face I dealt with all of'em. When I look back at  those  actions I have taken, I do feel that I have shown a bit of heroism :) but in a nice way. In the mean time I do feel that year 2069-2070, in masks outrageous and austere has gone by in a single file and it hasn't  merited my fear nor has quite escaped my smile. Living in the world of fantasy and a web of deceit I could hardly get rid off some of those unavoidable situations but again I have learnt good lessons out of them all. They have strengthened me and prepared me for another extra mile to walk in :).

Well things weren't bad for me, and I managed to make every moment worthwhile. I did work hard and enjoyed every bit of it. But one thing I regret is that I couldn't manage time for my friends and family. I was really busy running and chasing after my dreams and in this dearth of passion I didn't even bother to spare my leisure time with them. They  say that " besides the noble art of getting things done there is the noble art of leaving things undone and wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non essentials" and  I think I fail in this regard. In my chaotic life, I forget about all the wonderful people in my life who have decorated my life with colorful hues, and I really feel sorry for myself for not acknowledging them. I take oath for not repeating the same mistake and I persevere it from this moment.

And there are some moments of year 2069-2070 that I will cherish forever in my life. Joining Glaciology, the Yala expedition, da's wedding, getting so drunk on the party day are the highlights.The most important one is getting well with new people, loving new working environment and developing intimacy with some of my friends.  The year 2069 - 2070, it's one of the good years so far for me.

But  it is unbelievable that I will be 27 tomorrow. Oh god, 26 long years they have just flown away and I am still amidst my dreams, living them every single day and chasing them.... I have hopes of them coming true one day.... and with that note I wish myself good luck for coming precious days, the challenges and achievements to unfold... BEST OF LUCK MS. SILWAL.

Reading About Ebola

Oh! it's everywhere, on the cover page of national newspapers, science magazines, and reader digest. It does draw my attention, for one reason that my beloved brother is in Congo (one of the Western African countries)  serving for mankind and for his country's pride and for other reason that it is so deadly, horrendous and destructive disease. The disease has overwhelmed the already shaky health systems in some of the world's poorest countries. Surprisingly the disease has reoccured periodically, always in Africa, infecting a few hundred unfortunates at most.Ebola outbreak however, is happening in a region where people are highly mobile, it has spread to densely populated areas.   And getting into the roots of Ebola is subsequently my new research.

 Ebola for those who are well acquainted with it, that word strikes a sere fear into it. It is a tropical disease, and is back in the news recently due to an outbreak in several west African countries. Ebola - the hemorrhagic fever is a severe illness that can occur in humans and primates. It is caused by a virus belonging to the family called Filoviridae. There are five types of Ebola virus and four have been reported to cause diseases in humans. Ebola Zaire virus, Ebola Sudan virus, Ebola Ivory Coast virus and Ebola Bundibugyo.The Reston type of Ebola has recently been found in the Philippines. Ebola was first identified in Zaire in Central Africa in 1976, while there were only a few hundred cases over the course of the epidemic, the mortality rate was horrific and breath gasping. 88% of those who were diagnosed with disease died of it. Thankfully, after a couple of months the disease vanished as silently as it come.  The disease can be passed to humans from infected animals and animal materials. Ebola can also be spread between humans by close contact with infected body fluids or through infected needles in the hospitals (like other STDs).  Even funerals of Ebola victims can be a risk, if mourners have direct contact with the body of the deceased. .There is no proven treatment for Ebola, so health workers focus on isolating the sick. But a small number of patients in this outbreak have received an experimenting drug called ZMapp (a virtual medicine).  Ebola still has the "upper hand" in the outbreak that has killed more than 1,400 people in west Africa, the hardest-hit countries. It is the world's deadliest to date and the WHO has declared an international health emergency.

The initial symptoms can include a sudden fever, intense weakness, muscle pain and a sore throat, according to WHO.  Subsequent stages are vomiting, diarrhoea and in some cases- both internal and external bleeding.   

Because of its fairly rapid progression and gruesome symptoms in addition with fighting the fear and stigmatization surrounding Ebola  (one of the greatest challenges health workers face), it has become a staple for writers and conspiracy theorists, many of whom imply that it could become a weapon for terrorists or the next great global pandemic. For me the name "Ebola" just gives goosebumps and I pray every single moment that the disease doesn't get spread over the places and hope the scientists discover the medicine as soon as possible to cure this lethal disease.

My Aim in Life

Each remote flashback that drives me to the school makes me nostalgic. But nothing brings me closer to that plank than the English exams. An essay in English was a certainty, then. The topic varied but "My aim in life" was a routine affair. The moment I spotted it, I would be relieved. Lady luck was always on my side. That being a trend, I started doing quite well in the exam. Everyone praised my creations and applauded different perspectives of mine in the essays. They served as an adult to pen-down what I felt, something that took me to a different mental threshold. My ambitions dwelled in topics as varied as psychology, research, genetic engineering and so on. Unlike others, a particular profession in the essay was certainly my favorite choice. After a satisfying essay I would wait for the results and would gloss over with an 8 or 9 out of 10 marks for the question. However, for me setting an aim only existed in essays as my only ambition at that time was to earn good marks for whatever I wrote with an enthusiasm. My real aim i n life was an unchartered territory for me and that holds true to some even now.
Time has changed now and I am no longer a school girl. I have somewhat realized that life is not an essay where I can randomly select my ambitions, frame my ideas among one of them and score 9 out of 10 in this big and competitive essay competition called "Life". Whenever my friend Sushma questions me, " what's your plan gal?" I answer negligently and often get confused. When other friends ask the same question, I change the topic by answering ambiguously. the reason behind my intention to respond in that manner is even blurry to me. I guess, I like to show others that I am an intelligent and masterminded who knows where she is heading and intends to reveal the plans when she gives them a touch of reality.
What was earlier a piece of cake now troubles with its magnitude. Sometimes, I have a weird feeling regarding my career and I try to analyse things while most of the times I find solemnity in ignoring the issue together. I enjoy roaming around feeling the pleasure " nature" and celebrate for no reason but my favorite essay topic keeps on stinging me again and again.
I scream silently, cry in pain and pray. I'm sure that god will guide me one day but now if anyone asks me about the most difficult task, my answer would undoubtedly be " setting an aim in life"

Gunjan Silwal
08-18-2008


JUGGLING THROUGH LIFE
Two years ago, while watching a circus on TV where I saw a guy juggling flaming torches, I said to myself,"Dude I've got to learn that". Though I haven't mastered to juggle with flaming torches, I did learn juggling tennis balls, as well as potatoes, onions and whole lot of vegetables we keep in our pantry. But I must confess juggling really isn't my favorite past time- tossing objects into air isn't as intriguing at nineteen as it was at eleven. Besides , it doesn't get you any chicks (Damn, I should have learnt to play guitar instead). But in these two years, juggling taught me something different.; it taught me about life. Thus I can't help drawing an analogy between life and juggling. When you sit back on the porch and reflect at life, ask yourself what's the most important factor that counts, Time. And so in very true while juggling, timing is crucial; make a mistake even for a fraction of second, then the whole act can be a disaster, with objects flying and landing haphazardly. And life is all about timing; making right decision at the right moment, utilizing every second and every minute you have.
Juggling is about recognizing your limits. It takes practice- days, weeks or even months- and there was this kid in our juggling class who never learned at all. All he did was toss a tennis ball from one hand to other and toss that right back. So, if you are a novice then hurling three knives up in the air may leave you with a terrible headache. The one that won't be cures by a couple of aspirins. Even after two years, I myself haven't dared to try such a venture. Life isn't much different from that either. We know that everyone says that if you really believe and work hard then there is nothing that you can't achieve, that everyone who tries deserves to win. Believe me, they are all bluffing. The bitter fundamental truth is: Some are more deserving than others. Also, both juggling and life are forms of art. And the insight lies in understanding that you are in control, you are the painter, and you are the man who is holding the palette and the brush. But in the end, it all comes to having fun. It's feeling the Euphoria when for the first time you have mastered the techniques; it's experiencing that magic moment when your hands know what to do, and it appears the objects are moving naturally and all the hard work has finally paid off. It is all about relishing a challenge and the joy of overcoming it.

Gunjan SIlwal
23-08-2009